Boredom and Co-Dependency don't mix

I have found my depression deepening lately since my husband moved. We talk everyday on the phone but I wander around aimlessly with nothing constructive to do. I still am not in my own house, and there is only so much that I can do in my parent's home. My little girl keeps me busy, but I lack the energy and attention span to play all day- plus she's pretty independent. I sleep as long as I possibly can, eat, watch TV, maybe get a few things checked off of my list, and then do it all over again the next day. Every minute is agonizing. I may be the only one that is praying for the holidays to get here so that my days can be filled with activity and conversation. I really do not like being alone, and I still cannot shake the guilt of not accomplishing something every hour. If it weren't for my little one, I would deem each day pointless. What a terrible feeling!

Day 12: Realization

My husband and I got into a disagreement today. I don't know what it is about the dynamic of our relationship but I turn into a crazy woman whenever he is gone. I wonder why he doesn't call, I get mad at him for acting distant when he finally does call me, we bicker about the craziest things, and what's worse is that when he's away my mind plays evil tricks on me-- "you really are better off without him" "see, you would do just fine if he weren't around" etc. It's like I lose my identity. I wrote this all to him in an e-mail this afternoon, and while reading through the e-mail a thought slapped me in the face-- of course you don't handle being without him very well, you're CODEPENDENT! His identity IS YOUR identity. Normally this thought would send me into a dismal cycle of depression, and I would find myself half way through a carton of Edy's. Thankfully the opposite happened. My determination received a gentle boost, and I again saw the urgency behind my quest. It is paramount that I find out who I am so that I can stop being, for lack of better words, crazy. I need to find my sense of purpose. I know that God sent me to this earth for a reason. He has blessed me with unique talents and it would sadden Him if I neglected them.

Day 7: Epiphany

My husband and I had our session tonight. As we drove there I honestly saw it going one way, and by the end of our time it had gone the complete opposite direction- and it was a good thing.
When I am being honest with myself, I think that the main reason why I agreed and encouraged "couples counseling" is because I wanted my husband to be in the hot seat. I wanted the therapist to sit there and tell him all of the things that he was doing wrong and to side with me...for the most part. However, our therapist did something quite extraordinary- he put me in the hot seat last night. We talked about my expectations, we sorted out both of our emotions, we laid it all on the line and then stepped back to observe the chaos and confusion that we call marriage. We determined that we don't have a functional partnership, nor have we ever. We are a "good team" as friends, and as parents, but we have never been in-sync as husband and wife. This has led to a lot of deep resentment and unmet expectations. By the end of our time, I have to admit that I was starting to get petty. I hated being the focus of the discussion, and like a child who feels picked on, I wanted to sling a couple of mean words, pick up my ball, and go home. Even though I was pretty huffy as we went to the car, my husband jumped in front of me so that he could open my car door, and smiled his big goofy smile. It was then that I realized that things could be ok, and that it was ok for me to hope that everything would work out.

Day 5: Church

I haven't realized how important it is to feel like you "belong" until I started attending my most recent church. I grew up with this congregation, and even though I have been away for several years, people treat me as though I never left. Which one might consider a good thing- but in this instance it isn't. Several of the families I grew up with have left and there aren't many women my age to converse with. Those that probably could extend a hand of fellowship toward me, don't for whatever reason. I very seldom get a "hello" or a genuine "how are you?". If people do approach me to say hello it is either "business" related, or they can't help but come over to see my adorable little girl. I know that as a co-dependent I naturally struggle with the idea of feeling comfortable at church just because of supposed worthiness issues- it's even worse when I don't feel welcomed by my fellow congregants. I long to feel needed in a church capacity. Even though my therapist has said that this feeling has will be an hindrance in my journey to detach.

Good Day

I felt really comfortable with myself today. I dressed up really nice, put on make-up, did my hair, and "frosted" myself with jewelry. It helped to give me a confidence and an excitement to go out. I also did something I really enjoyed- I went to a Christmas Fair and sold toys. It was wonderful to mix with so many people within the course of a few hours. I thrived off of the contact, the opportunity to chat, and just being out of the house. It became so much more that just trying to sell product- it was an outlet for me mentally, physically, and emotionally. It helped me to realize that I need to seek out more of these opportunities in the future. Perhaps with a play group or with a non-profit organization. It felt good to forget about being lonely.

Setback

Today was actually a really really really bad day. My victim side was raging today. I felt as though the entire world was against me, which I know is completely irrational and just an extremely emotional response, but none the less the gates of Hell opened and seemed to be unleashing all their fury. I scolded myself repeatedly for stewing- "come on! Just stop thinking about it! It's over, just get over it! Focus on something else!" etc. etc. But I couldn't stop. I even tried distracting myself with the idea that my husband and I could go out on a much needed date and that it would be blissful, relaxing, and renewing. Sadly those hopes were shattered as our night began with arguing and ended up with me sitting here in front of the computer at 11:22 at night, instead of nestling in my comfortable bed. I have frazzled myself to the point that my stomach hurts and I resorted to taking a pain killer to numb the pain and anxiety. I keep thinking back to my session the other day- my therapist asked me if I deserve to be loved. If I deserve to be happy. But how do I get there from here?

Day 2: Brunette or Blonde

I sat down and wrote a list in my journal of things that bring me enjoyment. I have made a pledge to work on incorporating at least one of these things into each day. Today, I tackled #3- getting my hair done. Granted it was a little too short of notice to go to the salon, and plus if you've ever tried to wrangle an 11 month old at the same time, you realize the impossibility. I did the next best thing and purchased a box of hair dye from Walmart. As I stood in the aisle my initial inclination was to get the color of dye that I thought my husband would like- but quickly I realized that that would undermine the purpose of my recent search for self. So I ran through moments in my life when i really, truly, liked my appearance. I kept coming back to the hair color I had for my wedding reception in January 2008. It was a riskier, darker brown, but I loved it. I genuinely 100% loved the way I looked with that hair color. So that made my mind up, and a darker Brunette me was reborn.

Day 1: Finding Myself

I talked with my therapist the other day and he started off our conversation by asking me, "Who are you?". Aside from being a daughter, a wife, a mother, etc. I couldn't answer that question. It occurred to me that at 26 years old I still had not solidified who I was as an individual. The impact of the previous statement rocked me to my core. How could I not know who I was? How was it possible that I had lived a quarter of a century and not know the answer to a simple question. Granted, I have never really been one to talk about myself, but for this...I should have had some sort of answer that didn't appear to be pulled from thin air.
What resulted next was a mixture of emotions and a mental flood gate opening- what kind of music do I really like? What is my favorite perfume? What is my favorite sports team? etc. etc. I didn't know the true answers to any of these questions because for so long they had been influenced by those around me- namely the men in my life. I had become a chameleon, and in so doing had lost my true identity. Thus, I have committed myself to a quest to uncover my true identity, and finally be able to answer, with confidence, the question: Who am I?